Utter Exhaustion

It's friday and I have spent all day anticipating a nap, but once home I am too tired to sleep. It has a been a long week of decision making. I've found a few paying jobs doing research so I had to seriously weigh the option of going back to get my M.Sc versus making a lot more money doing something that is hopefully challenging and enjoyable.

Family life has been a bit strenuous, to say the least. My sister has a seizure disorder that is progressively getting worse. She is on a waiting list to get with the doctor who can put her on a waiting list to start the tests in order to be considered for a surgery which she has been told she needs. Health care can be so unBELIEVABLY frustrating. This morning, as we bustle around getting ready for school & work she falls into a bad seizure (hers are not the 'grande mal' as they are sometimes known but are called complex-partial absence seizures). She is on meds which prevent her from going as deeply unconscious, but I now am not sure how I feel about the meds either (she's tried endless combinations and numbers of meds, non work). She cannot communicate or understand any language before, during or after any seizure, and today the seizure wouldn't stop. The seizure wouldn't stop and she started to cry. Though she couldn't even send facial expressions to us to tell us how she was feeling, the seizure had been long enough to feel like it wasn't going to end, she was conscious enough to feel fear and start to cry. My heart has been broken all day.

To add to the drama, my mothers sister has the rarest and most aggressive type of breast cancer and she is not emotionally well to begin with. She has been over here almost every day and my mom is a wreck. At the moment her surgical incisions from the mastectomy are retaining fluid after the removal of her shunts and she is in a lot of pain, even while medicated (because of this they cannot start the chemo she so desperately needs because she has to be loaded up with antibiotics to make sure the incisions and ceromas do not get infected).
My Mother is exhausted having been her 24/7 caregiver for the past month, my Father is stressed right along side her and sometimes I wonder if the overall emotional health of a home can be a source of sickness in itself.

I spend all day working with children who have severe multiple disabilites, which sometimes makes our problems seem small and insignificant; but some days I feel like I bear the weight of so many and just wish I could shut it all off (explaining the search for a new job).

Thank god we can take therapy outdoors now that spring is officially here - today it was the only thing keeping me awake and sane.... that and the endless smiles and cuddles children throw at you.

I am escaping south to Nevada in about a week for 5 days of frivolous fun - but before then I will post my latest thoughts (not just listing the things contributing to my tiredness).

It's a blue day...

Hello Blog world.

This weekend has been... well a new beginning, as I have already mentioned, but a painful one. To jump ahead several years in my third year of University I met a teaching assistant (We will call him TA). I had just ended what was a highly emotional but maturity-frustrating relationship (We will call him Troubador).

My Mom has often encouraged me to take a rational approach to finding a mate: make a list of must-haves and can't stands and regardless of how enamoured you are with an individual, measure them against the list and if they don't fit, don't waste your time. TA was a fit. Or at least, he seemed to be for a very long time.

He was handsome in a kind of awkwardly-endearing way, he wanted a family, he was intelligent, sympathetic, funny, wanted to travel, helpful with his aging grandparents, he was open to discussions of spirituality, he adored me, he loved camping and staying active, enjoyed food and wine, and he loved my family.

I never really felt the undeniable-spark, the irrational all-consumingness that comes with new love. But I really did like him, a lot. I liked what he liked, what he wanted for himself and his life, and initially I liked how different our perspectives were on the world (he, a Jewish Earth Scientist, me an anthropologist with a strange perspective on spirituality and religion). I liked our sex life - not the never-ending passion and soul-joining love I'd had with Troubadour - but it was good, not too short, not too long, and he was very earnest.

I didn't initally realize that we weren't really forming a relationship in the manner that would be necessary for any longevity. He spent months up in the arctic doing research and even when he was home we lived very seperate lives - so seperate, that he was completely oblivious to anything that went on in my life other than the time I spent with him. It was partially my fault, when I started to see it happening I didn't really fight to change it. So merrily we went along for a year or so - seeing each other when it was convienient. We would escape to the mountains on the weekends every few months - do some hiking and camping.

Ever so slowly I started to notice things: He couldn't chew with his mouth shut! Any hint of disagreement and he would either shut down completely or go into a rage (similar to a two year old being denied his favorite toy). His humor seemed to hinge solely on toilet humor, sex humor or some sort of violent humor. He didn't seem to really see me - I could be blatantly ignoring him and he'd be unphased. Though he was almost finished a doctorate in Earth Sciences... he was a bit of an idiot. In conversations I felt completely unchallenged - like I was patiently explaining the basics of...well pretty much anything other than Earth Science.
At first, supplementing our relationship with other friendships worked.. again... he was oblivious... but eventually I was going stir crazy - isn't he the responsible choice? The good-looking academic with a gentle social side - a family man... why am I so miserable??
When I finally broke up with him HE went off the deep end. Apparently he had bought an engagement ring and suddenly realized he didn't know me after all...

For the years prior I had had what I thought was a harmless attraction to the sous chef at a restaurant I was managing. He was cute, passionate, impulsive and sexy as hell. He was young. YOUNG. and wreckless. He had no interest in family or a serious relationship. He was judgemental, irresponsible and intentionally offensive - it seemed funny to him to piss people off. Later I would learn he came from a ridiculously wealthy family, saw the world at a young age and had parents more preoccupied with making money than raising him. He had no desire for greater knowledge, or travel, or a traditional life - his only goal was to become a cop... he kind of saw himself as some sort of modern day Robin Hood - restoring justice to the people (In fact, that will be his blog-name: Robin Hood). I spent many shifts watching his lips as he carefully prepared the dinner specials.

It was common knowledge he was head over heels for me, but I was with TA and assured myself that my crush was a silly irresponsible "the grass is greener" complex that happens when you commit to a responsible adult relationship.

By the time I cut TA loose I had gone almost 2 years without feeling seen - and here is this lovely passionate young man who more than sees me - he seeks me out, asks the questions I need to have asked and quite simply made me feel like a Queen.
He was blatant about never wanting to marry or have children or leave the city we currently live in - I planned on all three, so it was limited and I liked that it was.
It was fun. LOTS of fun. Passionate sex, hours of kissing and holding, all the great first dates... but he was just that...fun.. and at times I hoped he could be more... but that's all it was.
After a few months of fun he told me he had fallen in love, that he would have children and get married if it meant he could be with me. And therin lies the crisis... I never held him accountable for all his mean-spirited ways and complete lack of interest in any kind of learning... I had only been thinking of it as fun. Now, knowing he was in love, he wanted more, it would be cruel to lead him on ... but I was still having so much fun.
But, I did what I thought was the right thing and told him the truth. We're still friends, but I miss the fun and the companionship.
So what happens shortly after I let him go? I find out that TA has started a blog about how great single life is!! (What I left out is that I had to nurse him for 6 months post-break up because he had an actual nervous breakdown) ... To compound the fact that he spends his spare time blogging about my negative qualities is that he starts his blog by copying MY old blog - ending each post with a list of 5 things I'm grateful for that day... but says it's his idea.
Oh why is love life so messy??
So this weekend has been the rumination over my two irresponsible relationships... you cannot choose a mate from a list - there has to be chemistry... and you should likely not start a relationship if you don't plan on it ever going anywhere.
But I'm too much of an optimist, I always seem to see some way of everything working out... and in ways it does... I've learnt a great deal about myself, about life, about love and truly believe that certain people came into my life at certain times for certain reasons - whether it be they needed me or I needed them.
That doesn't mean I need to read the TAs thought process as he tries to get over me....

Sketches

I received a very nice gift of charcoal pencils a while back... while I've dabbled now and then with painting, I've never considered myself much of an artist (aside from music). Last week I decided it was time to give the charcoal a try... here are my first 4 sketches... not horrible and I had a lot of fun doing them...

A fresh start...

After many years at http://carmenrific.spaces.live.com/ I've decided it is time for a fresh start. Both with my life and with my blog.
I've finally graduated from university, ended a long term relationship and started my first degree-related job as a in-home therapist (known as an interventionist) for special needs kids.
I have lots of stories to tell of where I'm coming from, but more than anything I'm hoping to instigate real change in my life. This blog might be a small view into the mind of a late-20-something trying to figure out how I got here, where I'm going and generally who the heck I am.
I come from a family of musicians (an interesting blend of tradition, art, nonconformity and wholesomeness). I left home at 17 in search of adventure and ended up working in a tiny mountain town for a while (in hotels, restaurants and for a while on an ambulance). After meeting a great man and a few friends we took off to explore the USA and Mexico for a winter, wandering wherever seemed interesting, sleeping under palm trees on beaches and drinking way too much beer.
The holiday had to end sometime, so I moved out to the east coast with the man the following fall (for blogging purposes I'll call him The Good Guy). So Good Guy and I settled into a little love nest. Him to pursue law school... me...to... be with him?? Which I soon grew bored of and started school myself. Where I discovered my absolute love for learning and anthropology.
I was young and unprepared for the reality of living so far away from my family and friends. After one year I told him I needed to go home. He had one year left of school, we promised to marry each other once our year apart was over.
Of course, life got in the way. I got a taste of freedom and screwed it all up. It took me years and years to figure out I could have never been what he needed and that I would have never been happy in that life....but before that realization I spent a lot of time feeling like an idiot for losing The Good Guy.
A lot of moving forward involves looking back, finding what you've lost along the way, letting go of what needs to be left and seeing how far you've already come. I expect the first few blogs to be revisiting...
Not that I think many people will be dying to read about my stumbling, meandering journey...this is a personal exercise in honesty.
I hope some enjoy...